


Different

by boybands_yay



Category: Take That
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 12:22:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boybands_yay/pseuds/boybands_yay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU fic - set in a universe where males and females lead completely separate, segregated lives. They are aware that an “other” exists but the male side of this world have no idea what girls are like – they’ve never laid eyes on them. Jason/Howard and Mark/Robbie exist but Gary’s a bit of an outsider and thinks there’s something wrong with him because he doesn’t want to pursue m/m relationships. Then he meets a mysterious character called Don and discovers there are alternatives… with a high price to pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Different

**Chapter One**  
  


 **  
**It had just gone twilight on that particular evening in early autumn, the hues of yellow and orange shifting to duller blues and greys, the colours dancing teasingly on the colour-changing leaves from the reflection of the street lights. They glistened softly in the dulling light, a small amount of moisture clinging to them from the rain that morning. The dimly lit street of Block B-706 reflected the same dull, non-descript grey buildings as the seven hundred and five blocks preceding it; although the intricate, unique carvings on the walls distinguished this block from the others upon close inspection, there was a dull sameness about the buildings that meant the robed figure neither noticed nor appreciated the artwork.

 

Each block had the same, squared-off, multi-storey building. The same reflective windows, the same number of floors, crafted from the same materials. Although individuals chose to decorate the interior of the buildings however they liked, the external appearance of each block was almost identical. As far as the eye could see, there was an expanse of identically sized and coloured buildings. It did serve a key purpose, of course; to differentiate from the A-Blocks that were so carefully separated, to avoid incidental contact, incidental encounters. _If the A-Blocks_ existed at all, the robed figure thought bitterly.

 

Part of him had always been fascinated with how people decorated the interiors; it kind of represented society, the same on the outside, but oh-so-different inside. Some more different than others. Man was encouraged to express himself artistically in his dwelling; to represent himself in such a way that others could learn much about him through expression; visual, artistic, verbal, musical...  There was a beauty to walking inside the home of another, to gaining a small insight into what sort of person he was that you wouldn’t otherwise know. The robed figure wondered whether A-Blockers decorated their dwellings similarly, or if it was unlike anything he had ever conceived to be possible before. There was something fascinating about the unknown.

 

He entered Block B-706 and shed his robe; the weather was still relatively warm and the law only stated robes must be worn in the main streets in case anyone from A-Block had gotten lost and strayed to this half of the town. The man smirked at the thought; he’d never seen an actual live A-Blocker in his life. He shuffled out of his shoes and stacked them neatly. Unlike most of his companions, he was rather fond of wearing his robe. The shoes he could do without. The cloakroom was large, and contained many similar robes to the one he had just removed. He hung his robe on the pre-designated hook and walked naked into the large room beyond, the sound of men’s chatter and laughter rushing to greet him as he moved out of the cloakroom. The bottom floor of this particular block had been converted into a cafe/bar/lounge, the red plush carpeting stained with coffee and other unknown substances, the musty smell of cleaning clinging to the air and mingling with the other various scents; stale beer, coffee, smoke, sex.  The lighting was good in the room; this would change once the performance began, but for the time being everything and every man in the room was perfectly visible and open to scrutiny.

 

There was some solidarity in the fact that the majority of the others in the room were also naked, but Gary Barlow had never been one of those people who was confident about the way his body looked. Scanning the room, he saw his friends and relaxed. He instantly felt relieved that he wasn’t facing a room full of strangers, and as his eyes fell on his friends he saw Howard waving him over. Howard’s other hand was resting on Jason’s thigh, stroking it gently. Jason smiled up at Gary lazily as he approached. Although enjoying the physical attention from Howard, Jason’s eyes perceived Gary’s discomfort, and the look he gave him was pitying. Those piercing blue eyes didn’t miss a detail. He’d had this conversation with Jason before.

 

“I don’t see what the big deal is, really. I mean, there are little differences, but at the end of the day we’re all anatomically the same; there’s nothing to fear. Well, almost the same...” Jason had trailed off, eyeing a particular part of Howard that he’d laid claim to long ago. This conversation was reflected in his eyes now as he purred into Howard’s shoulder as Howard’s other hand scratched the small of his back, trying to break through to Gary, tell him what he was missing out on. It was nothing more than what had been preached to them when Jason and Gary were at school together; we are all men, we are all the same, we should embrace the sameness of our physical appearance. Gary knew Jason worried about him sometimes, and that made him worry about himself all the more. Those eyes continued to watch him as Gary made his way to the sofa Howard and Jason were sharing.

 

Gary shrugged his shoulders, brushing it off, and sat down on the sofa on the other side of Jason, the sensation of woven fabric on bare skin not altogether pleasant. If they weren’t performing tonight he would have left his robe on. Gary wasn’t altogether sure how much of this thought was the discomfort of sitting down naked, and how much was the discomfort he had with his own body. He didn’t know if there was something wrong with him, or if it was just because he was the odd-one-out in their band of five; the only one not involved with one of the others. Not that he hadn’t tried; just everything seemed to fall flat, meaningless. Back in high school, Jason had been more direct, more forceful, particularly for the short period of time Gary had agreed to date him. Part of Gary wondered whether Jason was still attracted to him; an attraction that no matter how hard he tried, he could never return. He’d never been as close to anyone as he had been to Jason, but it seemed that this wasn’t enough. Then Jason had found Howard.

 

Jason had finally broken eye contact with Gary as Howard nibbled gently on his ear. Gary heard the muffled moans and panting coming from his other side and without thinking, turned to look at the chair beside him. He saw his other two friends; Mark straddling Robbie and jolting enthusiastically, Robbie’s teeth gritted, Mark’s face flushed from the exertion. Mark moaned as he pushed his well-defined little arse back hard onto Robbie’s cock. In between Robbie’s thrusts, Mark leant his head back and grinned, his hair flopping over his sweaty forehead.

 

“Hey Gary,” he breathed.

 

“Err, hi,” Gary replied. He cocked an eyebrow. _Before the show?_ They weren’t the only ones in the room banging, but it was unusual for them to do this before they’d even performed. Not that there was anything wrong with it, of course. The condoms scattered on every table throughout the room reinforced this value. Any expression of love was welcomed, encouraged, as long as it wasn’t actually on the streets. Gary had never been one for public displays like that; again his insecurity prevented him from being as open as the others, his doubts...  surely there was something else out there, for people like him. Maybe he could be coupled to his music; the one place where he didn’t feel out of place.

 

Mark eventually squirmed off Robbie and swivelled around to face the others. His cheeks were still red and his breathing wasn’t quite regular. Robbie himself grinned proudly, pleased with his latest exploit with Marky. He gave Mark’s arse a tight squeeze and began petting his arm gently. Mark turned around and kissed Rob’s lips lightly. Howard and Jason had started having a quiet conversation, apparently oblivious to Robbie and Mark’s antics, wrapped up in what they were talking about. There were crease lines in Jason’s brow; something Gary had come to recognise as potentially problematic with Jason as it usually meant he was over-thinking something. Howard looked as though he was proposing some idea to Jason, and Jason wasn’t sure what to think. Though curious, Gary knew that he had no time now to worry about that. He cleared his throat, not wanting to interrupt but knowing somebody had to.

 

“Well, lads, suppose we’d best get ready for the show,” Gary said, looking at the clock on the wall. Mark immediately leapt up, while Robbie looked at Gary and gave him a single nod. Howard looked at Gary to acknowledge he had heard him, but waited until Jason finished what he was saying before making any move from the sofa. They stood to ready themselves for their performance. None of the other men in the room paid them any heed until Howard pulled out his bag.

 

“Jay, can you help me get me collar on?”

 

That sentence and the room was already buzzing, men whispering in corners, most eyes now on them, and particularly on the studded leather collar in Howard’s hands. It had been a plan to gain attention in the beginning, of course it had. But it had developed so far beyond that. It was one of the reasons that Gary felt more at home in the band than in any other aspect of society. They were pushing social boundaries, encouraging the private to become public, all in the name of “expressing themselves” as society itself encouraged them to do. In cooler weather, the men would wear clothing under their robes; it was either that or freeze. But it was purely for the practical element; people didn’t wear clothing to express themselves. And if they wore _things_ like what Howard had in his hand, it was done in private. Of course people used accessories - shops wouldn’t offer them for sale if nobody bought or used them – but wearing such items for expressing yourself? Their work was certainly controversial.

 

Jason had adjusted Howard’s collar to the tightness he found most comfortable and gently buckled it. Mark began lacing a pair of knee-high platform boots. Jason rearranged the devil’s horns on his headband. Robbie squeezed himself into a pair of PVC shorts that barely covered his cheeks, struggling with the zipper. Gary opted to wear a studded belt that nearly matched Howard’s collar that night. One accessory each; it was how they felt it worked best as it gave the audience something to focus on about each member of the band. They didn’t want to make it a parade of the contents of the bag they took to gigs; rather it to be something that initially disarmed the audience, but eventually would come to define the band as different, unique, unusual. All the things Gary had felt his whole life.

 

Not that this had ever been his idea. Gary remembered when Jason had first started seeing Howard, just before they formed the band, Howard had frequented in visiting these shops. There was something about the way Howard would show up with a little bag filled with treasures, seeing the look of glee on Jason’s face as he revealed another item and whispered suggestions in his ear about what they could do with it. There was something about the way that Howard lacked in subtlety when sharing his new finds with Jason that Gary found fascinating. Like he didn’t care what other people thought. Like he didn’t care what was considered acceptable; only what he wanted to share and tell. Gary would love to be forthright like that, if only he knew what he wanted...

 

When Howard started bringing his friend Robbie and Robbie’s partner Mark, they established that their voices sounded good together and that they should form a band. It had started with some harmless karaoke, and had led to Gary moving behind the piano. He noticed the shine in Jason’s eyes when he sat down and started to play; it was pride in Jason’s eyes and for once Gary felt accepted. The others had all joined in with the song Gary chose, and they all sensed that they had stumbled upon something spectacular.

 

Gary had already written a few songs, so they incorporated them into the short set that Block B-706 had offered them on Tuesday evenings. Quickly though, they became disheartened as most people didn’t spend their Tuesday evenings at places like this, and few people were taking interest. It was one day when Howard was whispering to Jason and indicating the whip he had bought that Robbie snatched it out of his hand, and suggested they use Howard’s accessories on stage; definitely some of the clothing Howard had presented in the past. They trialled it that very evening and were quite surprised by the uproar it caused. It got them plenty of attention, and their slot was swiftly moved from Tuesday nights to Fridays and Saturdays. If it was slightly uncomfortable, nobody complained, because nobody was going to argue with the success and attention they were suddenly receiving.

 

They now performed at Block B-706 three times a week, and were often given other gigs in parts of town they hadn’t previously visited. If there was one consistency in Gary Barlow’s life, it was his music. He knew his music, understood his music, and wanted to share his music with the world. And if that had to be done through causing controversy, so be it. He was hiding behind his piano for most of the songs anyway; nobody would even notice his belt, let alone his body. He saw the way Howard and Jason thrived while being watched, saw the way Mark and Robbie lapped up the attention. For them, they were born performers; entertainers who were there for the pleasure, entertainment and enjoyment of their adoring audience. They danced and harmonised and paraded their accessories as the cheers and yells of the crowd became louder and louder. But as he sat down at his piano and played the first bars, sang the first notes, all Gary knew for the next hour and a half was his music.

 

 

**Chapter Two**

 

As Gary stood to bow at the end of their set, he became acutely aware of the loud cheering. The crowds at Block B-706 were always so good to them, warm audiences that appreciated the music as well as their unique brand of showmanship. It had been a good night for all of them. And well, if Mark knew what it took to get Robbie to focus through an entire show, perhaps Gary was going to have to suggest they make their pre-show warm up a regular ritual. As the cheers escalated, Jason and Howard backflipped, switching places at either end of their line of five, ready for the final bow. Gary marvelled at their perfect symmetry, then the way Jason casually readjusted his horns, a devilish glint in Howard’s eyes as he did so. Down, then up again, waving at the crowd, smiling. The show was over now.

 

Now came the part Gary always dreaded; walking through the crowds back to their seats. He handed his microphone back to the technician with a small smile of gratitude. The technician, Kim, gave him a thumbs-up. Gary inclined his head at him shyly; a small acknowledgement. Mark led the way, skipping and pumping his fist in the air. He would have been enveloped into the crowd had Robbie not had a firm hand around his waist. Gary went next, knowing he’d easily slip out between the two couples. He kept his head down as he followed after the others. Only one audience member claimed eye contact with him that night; a fine-built, fair man who smiled his approval. As Gary was swept along by the crowd, he couldn’t help but think about the fact that the man had been just about the only one in the room wearing a robe. A small part of his brain registered envy at the boldness of the man to stand out from the crowd, but just then Jason leant forward to whisper his congratulations on a good show, and Gary’s mind was once more completely occupied with making it out of the crowd in one piece.

 

Their bag had already been transported, and the lobby cleared so they could put their robes on in peace. Gary was the first to slip into his, more a security blanket than anything else. He sighed with relief at the feel of the fabric against his skin. Often they would stay at Block B-706 for a few drinks, but for some reason none of them felt like hanging around. Jason told Gary that they were off to meet “some friend of Howard’s” and Mark and Robbie were clearly itching to get back home. Gary said his farewells quickly and moved out the door, walking purposely in the direction of his apartment. He looked neither left nor right, his eyes slightly downcast. He didn’t notice the small figure watching him from just outside the club, hesitantly.

 

Once home, Gary kept his robe on and sat down on his sofa, head in his hands. The gig had gone well, but the same hollow feeling returned once the buzz of the show began to fade. This feeling was nothing new, but it seemed to intensify the more contact with the outside world he made. Particularly when he was with the band. It was so frustrating making music with two _couples_ sometimes that Gary couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be happier on his own. But he knew that the band was what was successful. No band, no music to share with the world. He loved his friends dearly, but sometimes he couldn’t help but resent them for fitting so comfortably into the norms of society, fitting so comfortably with each other. This feeling would gnaw away at him, more so when he was alone and had the time to stop and think.

 

Gary just found it so difficult sometimes, like there was something wrong with him. His teachers at school had treated him like he had problems. One had even suggested he visit a psychologist to deal with his issues about his body. Not that he hadn’t tried to fit in when he was younger. During his boarding school days… who wouldn’t get curious when surrounded by so many other hormone-fuelled teenagers? He was never quite sure if it was his own curiosity or Jason’s evident lust for him that started it, but he cringed to think of it even now.

 

As far back as Gary could remember, there had always been Jason by his side. Their creation days being not that far apart, they were grouped into the same area and age tier from birth. Through so many educators and different stages of schooling, they had spent almost every moment of every day and night together in close quarters.  Jason could remember Gary’s first piano lesson. Gary could remember when Jason first became so passionate about breakdancing. Jason could remember that time Gary fell over and cut his knee open when he was four. Gary could remember Jason getting into a fight with his kindergarten educator about his painting. The good, the bad, the embarrassing, the awkward; they’d been there for each other through all of it. Gary could remember hearing whispers about them being coupled from a very young age. He’d always been uncomfortable about this, but Jason had always blushed when anyone mentioned it to him.

 

From a rather odd chalk and cheese friendship, they made it to the age of fifteen without incident. Some of their friends were already dating. Jason had been on his fair share of dates; Gary had tactfully declined any offers he received. Some said he was shy, others whispered about him being a late bloomer. Meanwhile, Jason was building up a reputation, one that almost equalled his dancing. One particular evening, Jason was fixing his hair in front of the mirror in their dorm room. There was a disco on that night. Gary sat on the end of his bed and looked at Jason’s body enviously. He was lean, but his muscles were well defined from all the dance practise he’d been getting in lately. Jason smiled at Gary in the mirror. Gary smiled back; his eyes poring over Jason’s naked flesh. Gary himself had reached that age where he was very insecure about his own body, and was constantly comparing it to those around him. And Jason, well, he was exactly what Gary wished he could be.

 

Jason turned away from the mirror and gave Gary’s shoulder a squeeze. He sat down next to him on the end of his bed. Jason’s blue eyes were dancing playfully, his hairstyle adding to the cheeky charm that made him so popular. Gary smirked. Jason’s lips moved to smile, but came out as a teasing pout instead. Gary longed to mess that hair up again, and remove that cocky look from Jason’s face. Actually, he longed for the intensity of the gaze between them to lessen. Jason’s eyes were more serious now. Gary felt his cheeks grow hot, and cursed himself. What was going on? This was _Jason_ for goodness sake. The one person who he could be completely comfortable around. Why did he feel so intensely uncomfortable now? Jason looked down, and licked his lips nervously. Though the eye contact was broken, the moment was still so tense, the silence deafening. Jason’s long lashes were silhouetted on his face in the dim light of the dorm room. For some reason, Gary couldn’t tear his eyes away from them.

 

Suddenly Jason’s lips came crashing into his, and Jason had pounced at him with such force that Gary found himself lying on his bed with Jason on top of him. Gary found himself short of breath, Jason’s slim body pushing him into his mattress, his hands touching Gary’s bare chest. As Jason’s lips began to caress his more softly, he found himself returning the kiss, his mind and body churning with emotions he wasn’t quite sure where to place. Their bodies so close, so _so_ close. Jason was positively buzzing, his slightly sweaty skin slippery as Gary struggled to grasp his waist. Jason’s lips expertly guided Gary, now much more appealing than the initial attack. He slowly intensified the kiss, as Gary’s confusion turned to content following of Jason’s lead. He could feel Jason’s breaths growing shallower, then he felt another sign that Jason was enjoying himself. It was only slight, but the start of Jason’s arousal terrified Gary. What if Jason wanted to… Gary wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted, if he was ready for this. He started to panic, but then Jason gently lifted himself off Gary, breaking the kiss and lying beside him.

 

For a few minutes, they just lay there in complete silence. Jason was perfectly still beside him as a million thoughts ran through Gary’s mind. Gary could feel Jason was relaxed beside him, and he breathed a sigh of relief that this wasn’t the calm before another storm. Part of him was still terrified about what had transpired. Attraction, chemistry, love… they weren’t things he was really sure about, and he hoped Jason wasn’t anticipating some great declaration from him. Of course he loved him, they’d been friends as long as he could remember. He just wasn’t sure if it could ever be that kind of love. On the other hand, if it was ever going to be anyone, it would have to be Jason. On the other hand, Gary knew all too well how big a flirt Jason could be. He didn’t know if he should really be reading _anything_ into this. Jason suddenly sat up, and grinned down at him.

 

“Have you got any fucking idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?”

 

He took Gary by the hand and winked cheekily at him.

 

“Come on love, we have a disco to attend.”

 

Before Gary knew what was happening, he was being whisked down to the disco he didn’t even really want to go to. Jason was even more energetic than usual and he soon allowed Gary to drift away while he claimed the dance floor. In the dark corners of the room, he watched Jason. Centre of attention, by far the most talented dancer out there. Gary’s stomach churned as his head raced through what had transpired upstairs. The colours of the lights danced around the gymnasium; green, blue, gold, black… Gary took a deep breath and sighed. He watched as Jason danced, laughed, socialised… looking so perfect. He felt inadequate. But he also felt uncertain. He needed some time alone. He needed time with his thoughts, time to think. Time alone was something very rare for a schoolboy. And Jason inevitably would seek him out if he spent too long in the music rehearsal rooms practising the piano.

 

As if on cue, Jason scanned the dance floor and then began looking along the edges until his eyes landed on Gary. He skipped over to him, arms outstretched. He took Gary by the hand and led him to the dance floor. Gary gulped. But Jason could sense Gary’s discomfort and he stayed towards one side of the dance floor, dancing simply to the music.

 

“Just listen to the music, Gaz. You’ve got that perfect sense of rhythm from your music, let it guide you.” Jason whispered in his ear encouragingly. Gary smiled, and tried. Jason gave him a thumbs up, though Gary wasn’t quite sure if it was for the effort or the result. The first chance he got, he moved to get them both some punch. Jason accepted the drink gratefully, chattering away about how dancing was such thirsty work. Gary smiled. That was Jay for you.

 

They tiptoed back into their dorm room late that night, being careful not to wake its other occupants, who had retired somewhat earlier. Indeed, Jason had wanted to keep going all night, but the educators had persisted he needed to get some sleep, and they needed time to tidy up the gymnasium before anyone wanted to use it again. The door creaked open and the boys’ eyes took a while to adjust to the dim glow of the darkened room.

 

“Gaz?” Jason hissed softly.

 

“Yeah, what?” Gary hoped this wasn’t a plan to sneak back down to the gymnasium, or to one of the rehearsal rooms so he could dance some more. It wouldn’t be the first time Jason had bent the rules. He had a certain disarming charm that meant he more often than not got what he wanted, too. He turned to look at Jason, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet.

 

“It’s the sixteenth anniversary of my creation day next week. Fancy a date?”

 

Gary was too surprised to do anything but nod. Jason grinned, did a few stretches and jumped into bed. Gary quietly moved into his own bed, though he didn’t sleep a wink the whole night, staring blankly at the ceiling and wondering why on earth things were moving so quickly, and whether or not he’d be able to keep up.

 

Gary put his head in his hands again as he remembered that disco so many years ago. If he’d had the foresight to see where he was now, he would never have put Jason through all that. Now here he sat alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t long for company; just the thought of a coupling repelled him. The thought of intimacy made him shudder. People talked about him. He knew. But it didn’t change who he was. It couldn’t. He couldn’t change. He’d tried, and all he’d done was hurt other people in the process. There were many more memories that would make him cringe even more than the ones he’d just relived, but they would save for another time. Gary poured himself a glass of wine and turned on his stereo, closing his eyes and losing himself in music once more.

 

 

**Chapter Three**

Gary woke early to the sound of birds chirping outside his window. Deciding it wasn’t worth staying in bed and feeling sorry for himself, he pulled back the covers, leapt into a quick shower, adorned himself with his robe and headed out to the park. This morning he had time to admire the beauty of the autumnal colours surrounding him. The day was already promising to be warm, and in the early morning sunlight the world seemed so delicate, so fragile. The pale yellow light hit the boldly coloured leaves; leaves that seemed so strong and vibrant, yet were falling to the ground, one by one. They crunched under Gary’s feet as he was drawn to the lake. It was a shame he hadn’t brought any bread; he often enjoyed feeding the ducks in this particular spot. The light was shining off the water, reflecting in his eyes, so Gary raised an arm to shield them from the sun. He saw a shadow already sitting on the bench by the lake, but they were seated to one end; there was no reason he couldn’t sit at the opposite end.

 

He approached the bench and sat himself down, turning his head to the person beside him to acknowledge their presence. The man at the other end of the bench was feeding the ducks. Gary smiled down at them fondly before meeting the other man’s gaze. He started slightly as he realised it was the man he had seen at the gig last night – the one who had smiled at him. He was smiling again now.

 

“Ducks look happy. Love a good feed. I’m Gary, by the way.” Gary returned the man’s smile.

 

“I’m… Don.” The man extended his hand. Gary shook. They sat there in companionable silence for awhile. The ducks quacked away happily, squabbling every time Don threw them another broken up piece of bread.

 

“Your music is brilliant, by the way. Someone recommended I go and see your band.”

 

Gary looked away, uncertain whether he was pleased or embarrassed. He gazed across the lake thoughtfully.

 

“I just want my music to make people happy,” he said eventually. He knew he should make more of an effort to keep a fan happy. This was how he made a living, after all. If nobody came to the concerts then he’d have to get some dead-end job to afford to stay in his dwelling. Being nice to fans also had its other benefits for him. That was how he got away with blending more into the norms of society as an adult, avoiding detection for being as different as he was; go on an occasional date where nothing happened, usually with someone who attended a gig. Each time he felt so guilty, knowing that it could never really lead anywhere. But it was either that or face assessment to go into a mental institution, and Gary knew which option he preferred. It was unfortunate that he had to let other people down though. Particularly people like Don. The man seemed so small and helpless, sitting there on the park bench.

 

“Fancy a cuppa?” Gary asked, indicating a stand not far away. “I was about to get one myself.”

 

Don nodded, and smiled gently at him. “Thank you,” he said simply, turning back to the ducks. Gary hadn’t failed to notice the slightly too bright eyes when he’d asked the question – was it fear in the other man’s eyes? Interest? Disinterest? Gary couldn’t tell.

 

He trudged up the hill, the soft tufts of grass making the path harder to climb. It was still early, and there weren’t too many people in the park, and certainly no queues to worry about yet. He sidled up to the cart and ordered.

 

Dates, Gary thought as the man slowly filled his order. He’d certainly been on his fair share of those, none of them successful and most of them disastrous. His first date in particular brought back chilling memories.

 

Jason had always been popular. Something to do with his natural charm, and his ability to flirt with and flatter anything that moved, Gary supposed. As he combed his hair for their first date, he couldn’t help but wonder why on earth Jason took an interest in someone like himself. There were plenty of attractive boys in their group; boys with lean figures and muscles and smiles and social skills that left Gary feeling inadequate most of the time. None as beautiful as Jason though. Gary sighed, a part of him suspecting deep down that his only feeling for Jason’s beauty was envy. Admiration as a friend at a stretch. He did his best to ignore this niggling doubt as he took a deep breath. He heard a knock on the door. Jason had deliberately asked to share another room for the afternoon so he could get ready for their date. Gary padded over to the door, taking another deep breath. Wasn’t this deep breath thing meant to calm you down? His sweaty palm gripped the doorknob as he gently swung the door inwards.

 

Jason was there, nervously grinning at him. He planted a soft kiss on Gary’s cheek.

 

“Happy Creation Anniversary,” Gary said, trying to sound calm but his voice coming out as more of a squeak. He cleared his throat awkwardly, handing Jason a small package, square and flat, wrapped simply in brown paper.

 

Jason thanked him shyly, neatly sliding the paper away to reveal a blank disc in a clear case, unlabelled. Jason raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“It’s a song I wrote. For you.” Gary mumbled shyly to the ground. “You’ve always been such a great friend to me.”

 

Jason smiled softly, then embraced Gary with the energy and enthusiasm of a puppy, jumping up and engulfing him. The breath knocked out of him slightly, Gary returned the embrace, albeit a little awkwardly.

 

“I couldn’t think of a more perfect gift.” Jason took Gary by the hand, leading him outdoors, towards the lake. Gary had left the details of the date and what they would do in Jason’s more than capable hands, but as his stomach sank while grasping Jason’s hand he couldn’t help but wonder whether this had been the wisest move, as he had no idea what events were going to transpire throughout the evening. He felt his heart beating faster, and the knots in his stomach seemed to be twisting even tighter.

 

When they arrived down at the lake there was a small wooden boat, equipped with fishing gear. Gary breathed a sigh of relief. Rowing he could deal with. Fishing he could deal with. He and Jason had won the rowing competition for their age group some years before, so the evening’s activity was perfect. Gary still had the gold medal hidden in the bottom of a drawer somewhere. Occasionally he would get it out, proud that he had a sporting achievement to his name. Unlike Jason, who won dance competitions until medals and trophies were coming out of his ears, this was special to him.

 

They both rowed out strongly until the shoreline was distant on the horizon, and eventually was out of sight completely. They sat in companionable silence while they fished. The sound of the water lapping gently at the boat was the only thing that broke their silence. Jason smiled at Gary shyly. Gary returned the smile, though curious as to why Jason would suddenly be shy. Slowly but surely, Gary started to relax. Maybe this date wouldn’t be so bad after all. There was a slight chill in the air, but neither boy had bothered to put on his robe for their date, and they certainly hadn’t thought to carry them with them. The fish weren’t biting either. After what seemed like an eternity, Jason spoke softly.

 

“D’you think they’re avoiding us tonight?”

 

“Don’t know. Maybe it’s a bit cold for them,” Gary’s raspy whisper replied, as he chuckled softly to himself. Jason grinned at him, rubbing his arms in an attempt to keep warm. They returned to silence. The light grew poor, and Gary glanced up to see Jason sitting hunched over, his teeth chattering.

 

“Jay? You alright?”

 

Jason nodded, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.

 

“Time to go in, you think?”

 

Jason nodded again. Once they started rowing, Gary was relieved to see the flush in Jason’s cheeks, and hoped that he was getting warmer. Gary started to steer towards the boat house, but Jason shook his head, pointing to a place further along; a small grove. By the time they reached it, Gary could see a dim light coming from a small clearing in the wooded area. A lantern? But how? Gary’s stomach began to knot again as he remembered he was supposed to be on a date. Jason grinned at him. This must all have been part of some plan.

 

When they arrived at the clearing, Jason began work setting up a campfire. Gary pulled a rug out of a nearby bag and spread it on the ground. Once Jason was done tending the fire, he sat down on the rug, inching closer to Gary and putting his arm around his shoulders.

 

“Getting warmer?” he whispered into Gary’s ear. Gary nodded. Then Jason began to talk. He brought up old memories, one by one. They laughed, they argued little details, they cringed and they reminisced. Gary suddenly noticed Jason had been edging closer while they had been talking, and now one of his legs was sprawled across Gary’s lap, his head on Gary’s shoulder, his arm around Gary’s waist. The sound of Jason’s melodious voice faded away as he paused, looking straight at Gary. Gary saw a dark spark in those eyes, and braced himself for what was coming.

 

Not as forceful as their last encounter, Jason moved slowly this time, his lips gently meeting Gary’s. Gary sensed Jason holding back as he took the kiss agonisingly slowly. Slowly but surely, more of Jason’s lips. His hands, slowly moving and exploring. After what seemed like an eternity, Jason intensified the kiss. This was easier. Gary wasn’t sure if it felt right, but it was so much easier than last time. Gary allowed Jason’s tongue access, letting him guide him through the kiss. Jason shifted his leg until he was sitting on Gary’s lap, pushing their bodies closer together. Gary’s stomach was a knotted mess, his body sweaty, his heart racing. Jason broke off the kiss and they both sat there for a moment, breathless. Gary looked down, embarrassed. Jason shifted on his lap uncomfortably, trying desperately to hide his hard-on. Gary looked up at Jason, who blushed. He sat there awkwardly for a few seconds, then bit his lip thoughtfully. Gary inhaled sharply.

 

It was little more than kissing, Gary reminded himself. All his friends had done it before. Jason probably more times than the rest of them put together. And this was _Jason,_ his childhood friend Jason. He looked down again and made his mind up that he could at least try. He put his hands on Jason’s waist.

 

“Sit on that bench over there,” he urged the slighter boy, noticing the wooden structure for the first time, and wondering at the rug they had been sitting on. Jason looked at Gary, his eyes widening.

 

“If you’re sure…?”

 

Gary simply nodded, watching as Jason obeyed him, his legs spread wide, ready and waiting. Gary knelt in front of him. Shakily, he reached out a hand to touch the inside of Jason’s thigh. Jason stroked Gary’s cheek. Gary took a deep breath, then lowered his head.

 

Suddenly this wasn’t an experiment any more. This wasn’t about pushing boundaries and trying new things. Oh dear God, Jason’s cock was actually in his mouth and he had no idea what to do as he tried his best to suck, as Jason slid in and out of his mouth, trying his best to be gentle. Gary struggled to keep hold of him with his mouth, trying not to gag too much and hoping he wasn’t about to be sick. Jason began to moan with pleasure, the sound grating on Gary’s ears as he continued to panic. He felt Jason’s hand on the back of his head, his panic rising to terror as Jason pushed Gary further onto his hard cock. Gary tried breathing through his nose, relief and panic coming in quicker bursts as Jason increased his speed. Gary couldn’t see how anyone could possibly find this arousing. He certainly wasn’t aroused right now. He pushed his tongue against Jason’s member, trying to slow him. Jason whimpered, evidently pleased with this development. Gary felt dizzy, clammy. As the bitterness of Jason’s cum hit his tongue, it was too much for Gary. He withdrew rapidly, running amongst the trees. He fell to his knees and began to vomit violently.

 

Gary took deep, gulping breaths before vomiting again. And again. Eventually, whether it was because his stomach was empty or he was beginning to calm down, he walked back to Jason. He was still sitting on the bench, grinning blissfully.

 

“It’s ok,” Jason whispered. “Not everybody likes the taste.” Gary stood before him, apologetic. Jason grinned wickedly, grabbing Gary’s arse and pulling him closer to the bench. Suddenly Gary wasn’t convinced his stomach was completely emptied as the sinking feeling that was becoming all too familiar returned. As Jason’s mouth enclosed around him, Gary tensed. There was an instant conflict inside him; torn between pleasure and disgust. Suddenly it was all too much for Gary, and he pushed on Jason’s shoulder. Jason stopped and looked up at Gary.

 

“I’m sorry,” Gary whispered huskily. “I- I’m not ready for this. I- I- I wasn’t ready for this. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” Tears streaming down his cheeks, Gary ran off into the night, leaving Jason staring after him as he moved swiftly back to the buildings.

 

“Order up!” the attendant at the stall called cheerfully. Gary snapped out of his daydream and took the two cups in his hands, thanking the attendant politely. He manoeuvred his way around the plastic tables and chairs back to the lake, where Don was waiting. He accepted his drink gratefully, and began to talk.  Gary relaxed, but only a little bit. He’d learnt over time that one shouldn’t trust a situation to be safe just because someone liked to talk a lot.

 

 

 

**Chapter Four**

Several hours later, Gary trotted back to his dwelling, somewhat pleased with the outcome of his morning. Don had shown no signs of advancing on him; rather, he had appeared curious about how Gary lived his life, and genuinely interested in him as a person. Gary shook his head in wonder. It had been a long time since someone wanted to know _anything_ about him. Here was someone who had genuinely just wanted to talk, to hear the minor details of his somewhat boring life. Somehow, as they parted ways Gary had managed to invite Don to see a film that evening. Films were safe. Armed with a giant popcorn tub, Gary frequented in creating a wall between himself and his date. And talking wasn’t even as much a necessity. Mind you, Gary realised with a start, he still knew hardly anything about Don and he wouldn’t half mind asking a few questions.

 

Gary turned the corner to where his apartment block stood to find a shaking Jason Orange sitting on the front steps, white as a ghost. Gary immediately increased his pace, running to his friend’s side and putting a hand on his shoulder. Jason remained hunched over, but his blue eyes were pure fear as he looked up to meet Gary’s concerned gaze.

 

“Jay?” Gary spoke softly, crouching down in front of his friend. He held back the fear he held in seeing Jason in such a state. He couldn’t recall a time Jason had ever looked so shaken. Had something happened to Howard?

 

“The things I’ve seen…” Jason whispered hoarsely, shaking his head. His eyes were wide, haunted, as though the very fibres of existence had started to unravel. Gary sat beside him on the damp step, shuffling slightly in discomfort. He wondered how long Jason had been sitting there. He wrapped his arms around his shaken friend, steadily, supportively; trying to calm him a little. The step was cold and wet, and Jason shivered a little. Gary just sat there for a moment; feeling the cold body beneath him, but knowing he couldn’t rush him to move. He sighed gently, rubbing Jason’s shoulders in an attempt to keep him warm. Jason leant into Gary’s embrace.

 

“Come on,” Gary gently encouraged, leading Jason into his dwelling.

 

Once inside, Gary gently directed Jason to the sofa, peeling off his damp robe and replacing it with a thick blanket. Jason smiled gratefully, seemingly calming down a little. Gary bustled about getting tea as he left Jason sitting near the fire. Jason stared at the fire absently, and hugged the blanket closer. By the time Gary returned with the tea, Jason’s disturbed look had been replaced by puzzlement and contemplation. Gary gently nudged the cup into Jason’s hand, and he cradled it absently.

 

“Jay?” Gary interrupted his thoughts, his voice soft. Jason looked up as though dazed, and blinked. He cleared his throat nervously.

 

“You know How’s on fertility duty at the moment, yeah?”

 

Fertility duty was a random selection, and Howard had received a letter the previous week stating that he would be required to travel to the fertility lab in the Lower Blocks each day for a week. None of the others had been called in to do it before, and Gary meant to ask Howard that weekend what the experience was actually like.

 

Gary nodded, wondering whether Jason and Howard had fought over the fertility duty. Jason shifted on the sofa uncomfortably, and paused for a moment, biting his lip.

 

“I had no idea, Gaz… this… _other_ …”

 

“A-Blockers, you mean?” Gary leant forward with interest.

 

Jason blinked. “How’d you guess?”

 

“Lower Blocks. Closer to the border, innit?”

 

Jason nodded slowly, thoughtfully. He looked at Gary with an expression that Gary couldn’t quite read.

 

“I guess… I expected something terrifying, by the way we’re warned about them, the way we’re taught to be wary in case an A-Blocker is around. And I guess… in their own way, they did scare me… what they can do. They’re… not like us. Like us, but not like us.” Jason sighed, perplexed. “I don’t rightly know how to describe them.” He ran his tongue over his lips nervously.

 

Gary just sat there. During the times following his misadventures with Jason, he’d often wondered whether A-Blockers were people like him, who didn’t quite fit in with the philosophies of society as a B-Blocker.  Not that he’d ever shared those particular thoughts with anybody. But Jason… Gary felt that Jason knew he’d had those thoughts. Something in the way he looked at Gary sometimes that hinted he guessed at what went on in his head. The feeling that Gary couldn’t hide anything from Jason, because inevitably he’d work him out. Perhaps Jason was edging closer to this truth now, with Gary’s eager, rapid conclusions. Gary sighed to himself, determined to stop jabbering and listen to Jason before he made even more of a fool of himself.

 

Jason held his cup of tea in his hands, staring deeply into it as though the workings of the universe were contained therein. Gary waited, biting his tongue, trying his best to be patient. A silence fell over the room.

 

Jason cleared his throat softly; the sound reverberating around the hushed room.

 

“Well, like I said, How had fertility duty. So when he stopped by my place after his first day, naturally I asked questions.” Jason paused, looking at Gary for effect. Gary nodded absently, hanging off every word.

 

“…I asked questions.” Jason repeated, affirming this fact to himself. “So, on his first day, they took him to the fertility lab, showed him what was required, then ran a bunch of tests.”

 

“What kinds of tests?” Gary couldn’t help but ask.

 

“Fitness tests, intelligence tests, morality tests… he said it was a bit of everything, like they were testing out his body and his character to make sure he was a suitable candidate.” Jason’s voice rose indignantly to defend Howard. As far as he was concerned, the tests weren’t necessary for him.

 

“So, he did the tests, then they took a break for lunch. How being How, he went wandering. Said if he’d been caught he would have said he was looking for a bathroom.” Jason stopped to smirk. Gary didn’t bother asking what was so amusing. “…and he somehow gets through this security block into the worker’s area in the centre. And the first person he runs into is Nathan, this bloke he went to school with.” Jason frowned, his voice almost mocking over Nathan’s name. Gary chose not to mention the fact that he also remembered Nathan was Howard’s ex-partner.

 

“Turns out Nathan’s had a change of heart since high school…” Jason stared furiously into the fire, poking it viciously.

 

Gary raised an eyebrow at him, knowing full well that Jason was struggling to keep a hold on the green-eyed monster inside himself.

 

“Well, you know How’s got a knack for getting what he wants.” Jason shrugged. “He asked Nathan to show him around.” Jason was pouting now. “Nathan _remembers_ Howard, so the first thing he shows him is an A-Blocker.” Jason wrinkled his nose. Gary wasn’t sure whether the displeasure came from the thought of this _other_ or simply the fact that Nathan had been the one to introduce Howard to one of them.

 

Jason looked up at Gary, his eyes the puzzled.

 

“Nathan is _coupled_ to this A-Blocker.” Jason’s voice was incredulous, as though speaking this fact out loud was affirming it as truth. “Not officially, of course. Their contact is meant to be minimal, even though he’s working inside the facility now.” Gary tried to process this information. He found it hard to picture, having no idea even now what an A-Blocker was like.

 

Jason cleared his throat nervously. Although realising he wasn’t explaining things very well, the conversation was awkward.

 

“So anyway, _Nathan_ showed How a lot more than that. And How asked if he could bring me to see it. I just got back. Gaz… I’m sorry I… it just… completely overwhelmed me.” Jason shuddered. “So… different… but… you can’t help but wonder… if there’s others…”

 

Gary wondered what others referred to. C-Blockers? People who knew what he’d seen? Other coupled A- and B-Blockers? He took a deep breath and decided Jason needed a break from this. Evidently he wasn’t as shocked as he had been when Gary found him, but whatever he’d seen had shaken him.

 

“Why d’you think Howard took you to see them?” Gary asked gently, hoping to distract Jason from the thing itself by asking for one of his (frequently) lengthy explanations about something. He was surprised when Jason simply shrugged, letting out a small sigh. They fell back into silence.

 

“I guess… he wanted me to know the truth. And, well, How being How, he was so intrigued about this because it was… so different. There’s things about how we exist, how we live… it makes you question a lot of things. Things that just… don’t seem right and you’re not sure… if it’s because they’re unfamiliar, if it’s just you or… because there’s actually something that feels _wrong_ about them. Right now though, I just, I guess I need time to process it a bit. Sorry Gaz.”

 

Gary shook his head, dismissing the thought. If Jason needed time, time was fine. Gary had been curious his entire life; he could wait until Jason was ready to tell him more. He noted the slightly wavering voice when Jason was talking about Howard. He hoped they hadn’t had a row over this. For the first time, Gary wondered why Jason had felt the need to come to him, instead of talking things over with his partner.

 

“I’m meant to be going out somewhere with How tonight. I just… I wish he hadn’t been so fascinated about this whole Nathan thing.”

 

Gary put his arm around Jason. “Hey, hey…” he said softly. “You know How cares about you a lot. I wouldn’t worry too much about what fascinates him and what doesn’t; he’s got some pretty out-there thoughts and interests… I mean, he prefers stir-fry to salad!”

 

Jason smiled despite himself. He turned to embrace Gary.

 

“Thanks Gaz,” he whispered softly into his ear, and Gary sighed with relief. For all the things that had happened over the years, since Jason and Howard had met, they’d been inseparable. It would be unsettling if that one constant started to waver now.

 

“So, who’s that bloke that was eyeing you off at the last show?” Quick to change the topic, Jason gave Gary a knowing wink, and both started to laugh. Jason wasn’t under any illusion about Gary’s intentions with anyone who watched him perform. 

 

“His name’s Don. Doesn’t seem to be looking for that kind of relationship. We just talked, well, mostly I talked...” Gary paused as he saw Jason’s puzzled expression.

 

“Oh right! Met him at the park earlier today.”

 

Jason smiled, nodding slightly. Things made a bit more sense now. 

 

“So what, he just sits there and listens?”

 

“Seems curious about the band. Asks about music a lot.”

 

Jason nodded again, smiling. “What does he do for a living?”

 

Gary paused. “He mentioned he was interested in dancing and music, not too sure if he does that for a living though.”

 

Jason nodded again. “Gaz?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Sometimes you’ve got to watch the quiet ones. Just make sure… you’re not giving too much away until you find out a bit more about him. He’s new around here, after all.”

 

Gary nodded. That _was_ strange, he had to admit. People didn’t tend to stray too far from their allocated areas. Perhaps it was something to do with the A-Blockers, Gary thought for the first time. And Jason certainly had a point; he was going to all these great lengths to avoid detection and suspicion for being different. He didn’t want to blow it by accidentally giving the game away just because Don hadn’t made any physical advances on him. Yet he couldn’t help but feel at ease in Don’s presence; someone who was more concerned with asking questions about his career and his music. Gary found talking with someone about what he was passionate about to be so rewarding. He wasn’t sure if he actually had a good feeling about Don, or if he was just hoping there wasn’t anything more sinister behind his interest in Gary.

 

“I’m meeting up with him again tonight,” Gary said thoughtfully. “I’ll try and work out a bit more about him, let you know.”

 

Jason bit his lip, and hesitated.

 

“Jay?”

 

Jason sighed. “It’s just… Gaz, be careful. Not just about yourself, but about him too. Not everyone wants to be the one to make the first move. I just hope he’s not going to be one of those ones that constantly hangs around, waiting for you to pull some move on him.”

 

Gary cast his eyes downward, feeling like a rat. Jason had certainly been on the receiving end of that before.

 

Jason sighed. “Normally I’d say be honest. But we know nothing about this bloke, so things get a bit tricky. Just… be careful, I suppose.”

 

Gary nodded. Jason took Gary’s blanket off, and folded it neatly. He smoothed out a crease as he placed it on the sofa beside him and went to collect his robe that was hanging by the door.

 

“Suppose I’d better go home, get ready for tonight.” Jason’s eyes were sad.

 

Gary gave his friend a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Hope tonight goes well for you.”

 

“You too.”

 

 

 

**Chapter Five**

Gary shook his head softly. The way Jason had been when Gary found him was reminiscent of how Gary had felt that evening he’d run away from Jason on his creation anniversary. He’d felt scared. He’d felt… different. _Too_ different. Like there was something wrong with him… yet there was this underlying feeling of disgust, and the suspicion that this was the way he would always feel. Jason had certainly looked disgusted. And scared. Gary found himself unable to shake the comparison out of his mind as he got ready to head out to the local theatre to meet Don. It was so rare to see Jason looking so vulnerable. As far as Gary could recall, he’d been the only one to ever make Jason feel vulnerable like that. To know that something else had caused that deep a reaction unsettled him.

 

As Gary walked down the dusky street the thoughts circled in his mind, over and over. He must have looked preoccupied as he entered the theatre foyer. He felt dazed as he looked around the bright room, his eyes eventually coming to rest on the small, fair man who was waving at him shyly. Gary smiled at Don and headed over to him, his mind still preoccupied but his energies going into focussing on the person he had come to meet.

 

“I got our tickets,” Don said shyly, as he held up two stubs of card. Gary nodded, smiling.

 

“Thank you,” he said politely.

 

It was strange. Initially it had been Jason’s idea that he go out on dates. After their dating disaster, Gary had reached a point of crisis, and regularly found himself called into the psychiatrist’s office. Admittedly, at first he could understand their concern. Whenever anyone approached him, he’d cower away, disgusted. He’d started having nightmares. He couldn’t deal with any physical contact for awhile. But after the initial sessions where he had been completely honest, he began to realise that his honesty was making them more concerned. He remembered the very first session, when he had been sitting alone for a week, having explained to Jason that he needed some space. He’d felt a sharp tap on his shoulder, and had been directed to the office.

 

A scared fifteen year old boy nervously went into an office that he was never to feel truly comfortable in. The man behind the desk looked at him with curious eyes, his face a mask. Gary couldn’t read his emotion, anything he was thinking. He gulped.

 

“Now Gary, what seems to be the problem?” The voice was helpful, reassuring. Gary sighed, and started to explain the incident with Jason. How he’d always been his best friend, how he thought if he’d ever take an interest in anyone, it’d be Jason. How things hadn’t gone according to plan, and how he was terrified of losing the only real friend he had, and how he was worried that he’d never be attracted to other people. How he’d felt repulsed at the thought of what they’d been doing. At the thought of doing that… and more… with anyone. Gary visibly shuddered over that last part.

 

The man behind the desk listened to every word. Gary watched unreadable shadows of thoughts pass over the man’s eyes as he spoke, hoping that some reasonable explanation and easy solution would be on its way. But nothing came. The man thanked him, and asked him to leave. Gary got up to leave, puzzled.

 

“Same time tomorrow, Gary?” the man asked cheerfully. Gary nodded. He guessed that this man needed to think about what had been said. But no. The next few sessions, he was asked to talk more. To draw pictures. To write stories. Role playing. All about his thoughts and his identity. Gary admitted it was nice to talk about who he truly was for once in his life. To clarify the thoughts in his head that had once been a jumbled mess. 

 

After a week of sessions, Gary took the initiative to go up to Jason. To apologise for ruining his creation anniversary. To explain that Jason wasn’t the problem; he was - in ways he was struggling to understand himself. Gary’s greatest surprise was when Jason simply nodded, accepting. Just like that. Jason then told him about how he’d always been a little attracted to his friend, as long as he could remember. But he’d never really felt anything other than friendship from Gary. And that was okay. Whatever Gary was going through, whoever he was, that was fine. Jason then ended the conversation by flippantly asking if it was okay by Gary that he went on a date that night. Had Gary not known him so well, he might have missed the tears glistening in his best friend’s eyes. Gary went off to the dorm room and cried as well. He wished, more than anything, that he could make Jason happy.

 

He mentioned that in his session the following Monday. The man finally reacted, suggesting that perhaps Gary was simply experiencing guilt because he wasn’t attracted to the boy who he had grown up with as his best friend. Happened quite frequently, apparently. Gary simply hadn’t transferred emotionally from friendship to relationship, while Jason had. The man then suggested that Gary try dating somebody else, rushing him out the door.

 

Gary blinked. _Date somebody else?_ Could there be anything in that? But Gary wasn’t attracted to any of the boys he knew; not in the slightest. So the sessions continued, with Gary being given a variety of activities designed to “assimilate” him and “guide him” to “function normally”. They continued for a good year while Gary grew increasingly frustrated, not feeling any closer to what the goals of the program were. Eventually, exasperated, the sessions dropped back to one or two a week. Gary started complaining to Jason about how much time they were wasting. By this point, they were in their final year of study. Gary was hoping to get into music college, and the sessions were eating into valuable rehearsal time.

 

While complaining one day, Jason sighed. “Gaz, it’s all very simple.”

 

Gary blinked.

 

“Simple, Gaz. There has to be people like you out there; how d’you think they avoid being hounded like this? They _pretend_ , Gaz. Go on a few dates. Single dates. They’re never your type, right? Kiss a boy every now and then. Make sure people see. Avoid anything that makes them think you’re… different.”

 

Jason sighed again. “We’re all different in our own ways, Gaz. It took me awhile to see things your way… I’m sorry if I ever put any pressure on you.”

 

Gary, who had been too stunned to speak over Jason’s brilliant plan, quickly butted in on Jason’s apology.

 

“Jay, Jay, you don’t have to apologise! I went along with it, I thought it was what I wanted… and I only ended up hurting you… and now you’re… saving me. Thank you.” Gary’s words were heartfelt, his love for his friend growing more with every word. He just wished he could love him the way Jason wanted him to. Looking into Jason’s eyes, he could see that Jason understood. Whether this was temporary or if the right person just hadn’t come along yet, neither of them knew. But Jason accepted that Gary just wasn’t looking for a relationship, for physical relations with other people. And to Gary, that support made him respect Jason’s friendship even more.

 

Gary found following through with Jason’s plan much easier than he’d anticipated. Surprisingly, all those therapy sessions had given him numerous hints; how to be charming, polite, how to chat up someone, but because of the way he was, there was a natural distancing when he went on dates, too. At first it was tricky though; dating young boys who wanted nothing more than someone to suck them off or stick things somewhere. Boys who wanted sexual release more than the pursuit of a romantic relationship. On numerous occasions he’d encounter Jason getting off with some other guy. Always someone different. Gary wondered how he did it.

 

But he got his precious rehearsal time back, so nothing else really mattered. Once Gary got into music college, life was a little easier. People were in awe of his talent, and it meant they were more respectful towards him on dates. It became easier to put people off. Sometimes they got hurt. It pained Gary to see it. But once you were on the psychiatric list, they watched you. And the older he became, the more important it was to keep up the image; as a teenager, he could have been confused, heartbroken, anything… at one point to get rid of the therapists he’d told them that he’d been broken when Jason dumped him; that he’d made everything else up because he thought there’d never be another. And that he’d been wrong. When the band had been formed, Jason giggled when Gary finally admitted how that story ended the therapy sessions.

 

And the band had helped significantly too. People were throwing themselves at all of them. Gary found he didn’t need to put in as much effort anymore; people would often approach him to ask him on dates. Half the time they’d tell their friends stories about what had happened. Most of what they shared wasn’t true, but Gary let it be exaggerated. If they said he was good at something he’d never done, it kept the therapists off his back. But then there were people who genuinely thought he wanted to be coupled to them. Jason was right. He was hurting people. And it pained him to make others pay so high a price for him to continue in society as a musician.

 

Then there was Don. The first man who hadn’t immediately shown any physical interest in him. Someone who he could talk to about music, like he was now. They headed in to the theatre to watch the musical they’d been discussing in the park the day before. More than a date, this felt like someone who he could really have intellectual conversations with. Someone whose company he’d never be bored in. Gary could’ve kicked himself for spoiling what could have been a perfect friendship. Don was the only person who was more interested in the film they were seeing than in making out with him in the darkened room. It made for a nice change, and for the first time in a long time, Gary relaxed on a date. Not the neutral, non-emotional state that he’d been accustomed to experiencing as he warded off advances, but genuinely satisfied that nothing was going to happen that would make him uncomfortable. He trusted Don, and took pleasure in his company. These thoughts were doing wonders to counteract the mess his head was in after Jason’s visit earlier.

 

After the film, Gary invited Don back to his place to watch the prequel. When Don eagerly accepted, Gary’s stomach sank as he realised he’d invited a man back home after a date. What if Don wanted to, well, do what _most_ people did when they went back home with someone after a date? He gulped, wondering how he’d gotten himself into such a situation. But once they were safely inside Gary’s dwelling, Don asked where Gary’s dvd was kept, and set up the film while Gary made some popcorn. So far, so good, Gary thought with relief. Don had kept his robe on, Gary noted. _He must really feel the cold._ Gary was relieved though; as long as that robe stayed on, there was a physical barrier preventing them from having sex.

 

Throughout the first half of the film, both were talking animatedly about it; Gary about the score, Don about the choreography. Gary was surprised how much Don seemed to know; evidently he’d attended a different college to Howard and Jason, as his concepts of dance were quite different. Curious, Gary began to ask questions, which Don was more than happy to answer. However, as the film progressed they settled into amicable silence. The popcorn bowl empty, Gary set it down on the coffee table and sighed happily.

 

 

**Chapter Six**

Gary opened his eyes slowly, the early morning light irritating him. Why did his neck feel so stiff and uncomfortable? He lifted a hand to shade his eyes, noticing a deadweight on his right shoulder. He opened his eyes with a start. Disorientated, it took him a few moments to realise he was on his sofa at home. He looked down at his shoulder, and almost jumped right off the couch when he noticed Don leaning on him, sound asleep. The dvd menu screen saver was repeating over and over, as Gary imagined it would have been doing all night long. Don started to stir, and Gary pretended to be just waking up himself.

 

“Morning,” Don mumbled softly, stretching, as though waking up on Gary Barlow’s sofa wasn’t a big deal. He smiled gently. “Can’t remember the last time I fell asleep during a film… sorry.” He seemed genuinely embarrassed about it.

 

Gary waved a hand dismissively. “I did too,” he admitted sheepishly.  Don grinned back at him.

 

“How about I make us some coffee?” Don suggested, moving into the kitchen. Gary followed, pulling his robe back on, suddenly self-conscious that Don had never removed his. As Don moved to switch on the kettle, Gary pulled out some bread, pushing it down into his toaster. A few minutes later, they were sitting at Gary’s kitchen table, tucking into breakfast. Don giggled.

 

“What’s so funny?” Gary asked, bewildered. Don waved a hand dismissively, shaking his head.

 

“It’s just… I was thinking… I hope you didn’t think I thought the film was boring… can’t have been that great if we both fell asleep…” he winked at Gary cheekily, full well knowing it was one of Gary’s favourites.

 

“Now see here…” Gary began defensively, but his heart wasn’t in the argument and he found himself laughing as well.

 

Just as they were finishing breakfast, there was a sharp knock on Gary’s door. Gary looked puzzled. It was still early, who would be…? Before the question finished in his head, he guessed. Jason.

 

“That’s probably Jason,” Gary explained to Don apologetically. Don finished his coffee and shrugged. It didn’t matter to him.

 

Gary went and opened his door. Sure enough, Jason stood there, looking less upset that he had the previous day, though his eyes were bright and excited.

 

“Gaz, you’re not going to believe this…” Jason paused, both for effect and to hang his robe by the door. “But an _A-Blocker_ escaped. Apparently a few weeks ago, but they decided to release the information now…”

 

Jason trailed off as he noticed Don in the room for the first time.

 

“Oh… err… umm… sorry Gaz, I didn’t realise…” Jason started stammering, paling at the sight of the other man in Gary’s dwelling.

 

“As you can see, this isn’t a regular occurrence,” Gary grimaced at Don, who appeared equally as pale as Jason.

 

“I guess I’ll have to stop believing those stories your fans tell,” Don joked with a wink. “Look, I should be heading off anyway…”

 

“It’s ok. You don’t have to go.” Jason broke in apologetically. “I’m sorry… Don, is it?” Don nodded.

 

“Gary’s told me a bit about you,” Jason smiled at him, his voice warmer, friendlier.

 

“And you,” Don replied. “From what I hear, you’re a fantastic friend… look, I’m sorry, but I really do have to get going, actually.”

 

Gary followed Don to the door, stepping out onto the street.

 

“Look, I’m sorry about Jason. I do mean it though… I don’t… I never… I don’t have people stay in my dwelling usually.” Gary’s speech was awkward, his face blushing. He cleared his throat.

 

“So Don, will you be coming to our gig tonight?”

 

Don smiled at him softly, and nodded.

 

“Of course. You’re the only friend I have around these parts. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” 

 

Gary was surprised when Don suddenly hugged him. It was more an embrace, an affirmation of their friendship; an expression of gratitude. Gary found himself naturally returning the embrace, leaning over to give Don a customary peck on the cheek. Don looked up and smiled at him warmly.

 

Eventually Gary let go. “Err, see you tonight,” he whispered. Don nodded again, waving as he turned to walk down the street.

 

When Gary stepped back into his dwelling, he noticed Jason had not only washed their cups and plates but also found time to tidy up his kitchen. He shook his head softly. Typical Jason. He was sitting waiting for Gary on the sofa, his eyes bright and alert. As Gary moved into the room and sat down beside Jason, he cut straight to the chase.

 

“Gary, what the fuck?”

 

Gary smirked. “We saw a film. Came back here to watch the prequel. Fell asleep. End of.”

 

Jason smirked too. “Should have known, Gaz. Just be careful. He seems pretty keen on you, you know.”

 

Gary sighed. “I dunno. He was talking about friendship just now.”

 

Jason gave him a knowing look. “Might have coupling on his mind, mate.”

 

Gary looked startled. Evidently the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. He was more concerned about the physical aspect of their relationship.

 

“D’you really think…?”

 

Jason shrugged. “It’s a possibility, innit?”

 

Gary squirmed uncomfortably. “Look, Jay, about the A-Blockers… what are they like? I want to know if I’m going to run into one down the street, you know.” His effort to change the topic was transparent, but Jason relented, evidently keen to talk about A-Blockers, and deciding Gary had enough to worry about without him planting ideas in his head.

 

“Listen Gaz, I know you’re curious, but what I’m about to tell you is pretty mind-blowing stuff… I mean, are you sure you want to hear the rest of this?”

 

Gary sighed. Yes, he’d been curious all his life; of course he wanted to know. Gary placed his arm supportively around the slighter man’s shoulder. He looked at Jason, concerned.

 

“Only if you’re comfortable.”

 

Jason simply nodded, and took a deep breath. Evidently he knew Gary would want to know this. But the next sentence to come out of Jason’s mouth; a question, was not quite the one he was expecting.

 

“What’s your earliest memory, Gaz?”

 

Gary blinked, taken aback.

 

“No Gaz, seriously, I’m trying to describe this.”

 

Gary thought about it.

 

“You were there. Our whole age group. We were infants. You hit me on the head with a wooden block.”

 

He was surprised by Jason’s silence. Usually that memory would rouse at least a giggle from him.

 

“Where do infants come from, Gaz?”

 

“Fertility lab.”

 

“But how?”

 

There Gary drew a bit of a blank. “I know they use our fluids, and that it’s something we can’t manage to do outside the lab…” It was true. Aside from pleasure purposes, Gary knew that their fluids were used for some purpose in creation. He’d never really understood it.

 

Jason nodded, his voice lowered as though he feared being overheard. “Something we can’t manage to do outside the lab because you need _A-Blockers_ to make infants.”

 

Gary looked puzzled. Did the A-Blockers hold some secret about creating life?

 

“They’re… similar to you or I except… _they grow people inside them._ Or at least, they can.” Jason’s voice sounded disgusted.

 

Gary was too stunned to either speak or react.

 

“I mean, usually they don’t. Usually they extract something from them as well, combined with our fluids, and they’re grown in the lab. But… this A-Blocker that Nathan’s coupled to…” Jason drew a deep breath, realising he needed to explain further.

 

“They look like us but… they are slightly different, anatomically speaking. And if you… have sex with them a certain way, then another life can grow inside them for awhile, until they reach a certain stage then they… come out.” Jason grabbed the notepad on the table, starting to draw a rough sketch of an A-Blocker. At first, the shape seemed almost like them, except for a couple of noteworthy differences. Perhaps that was the purpose of the cloaks; so A-Blockers wouldn’t realise they were any different…

 

Gary bit his lip. It sounded disgusting, but surely, if that kind of creation happened on its own and didn’t need any scientific intervention…

 

“Nathan was carrying on about how it’s _natural._ If they’d been caught, can you imagine? Apparently this… person grew inside the A-Blocker for nine whole months. It’s a wonder nobody noticed this thing growing…” Jason was evidently overwhelmed by this encounter, so different from his own life. He breathed in slowly, pacing himself so he could get his story out straight, but his voice sounding strained the more he spoke.

 

“…and then it came out like us. A B-Blocker. But Nathan said that they can turn out to be either A or B, and that when they’re ready to be formally created, they get separated into A or B block.” Jason shook his head, unable to fathom it fully, even now as the words came tumbling out. As though he was spouting some unbelievable fable, some story designed to frighten children. “Apparently they’re trying to grow another.”

 

Gary closed his eyes for a moment. Jason had been right. He was completely mindblown. Yet, he couldn’t help but have a small twinge of doubt that Nathan may be right. He sighed again. Jason  had certainly given him a lot to think about.

 

“Thank you… for telling me all this,” he said softly, his voice slightly husky. Jason looked up at him, his eyes worried.

 

“Gaz, if you go seeking A-Blockers, they’ll take away your music.” Jason stated this to him very matter-of-fact. “They’ll… take away  _you_.” Jason’s voice cracked on that last statement.

 

“One more thing, Gaz. Ever noticed how the people who are randomly selected always seem to be involved in long-term relationships when they’re given fertility duty?” Gary thought about it for a second. Naturally, there had to be some force at work there. Otherwise the secret of A-Blockers would have leaked into society long ago. People were naturally curious, but none so much as Howard. For all they knew, Howard was the first to walk away from the lab with such knowledge in his head. But you’d have to be pretty thick not to notice how committed he was to Jason.

 

“Nathan’s partner was nice enough, don’t get me wrong. They really are like us, Gaz. It’s just… it’s such a huge risk. I don’t want to lose you to some system.” Jason looked at him knowingly once again. Gary sighed. Jason had guessed, all along. Not just his innermost thoughts and feelings, but he’d guessed what thoughts would pop into his head when he told him this.

 

“Gaz, if there was a way… I’d say go for it. I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy. But…” Jason broke off, tears rolling down his cheeks freely now.

 

“I was talking to How about it last night. If we find a way for you to work it out, we’ll help. But what if… it’s not what you want? What if you get caught?”

 

Gary shook his head at Jason sadly. “It’s okay.”

 

Jason shook his head back at him. “No, it’s not.”

 

“I mean… it’s okay. I don’t expect your help. And I’m not about to run into the fertility lab to grab some random A-Blocker to see if I _like it._ It’s bad enough these so-called dates I keep going on, but I’m not about to drag someone else into what would effectively be an _experiment._ We both know how that ended in school…” Gary embraced his friend, feeling Jason’s wet tears on his shoulder.

 

Jason sniffled. “You know, I got the impression How had something else to tell me last night. I’ll let you know… I should probably go and find him now. Left him at the park. Said I wanted to tell you alone… I mean… I know you and Howard are good mates now but… I wanted this to be a thing between us…”

 

Gary simply nodded, understanding. “You can tell Howard anything you want, Jason. You’ve always been my best friend and… he’s a part of that now.” Jason smiled, wiping away his tears.  As Gary gently guided Jason out of his door, the thoughts swirling through his mind made him feel as though he was about to explode. He closed the door after Jason, crouched down in front of it and buried his head in his hands. Thoughts of Don. Thoughts of A-Blockers. Memories of his past. Thoughts of the lack of purpose in his life, beyond his music. The feeling that all this information had come too quickly, and the realisation of how he was struggling to take it all in at once.

 

 

**Chapter Seven**

When Gary arrived at the venue that evening, he was surprised to find Howard and Jason already there, Don sitting between them, chatting animatedly. The three burst out laughing, and Jason waved him over to them as he spotted Gary through the already growing crowd. Gary sat down on the nearest chair.

 

“What’s the joke?” he asked, grin on his face to see Don getting along so well with his two friends.

 

Howard chuckled. “Just a dancing joke, Gaz, s’alright.” He grinned at him, ruffling his hair. Gary immediately patted it back down into place.

 

“Seen Mark or Rob yet?” Gary asked.

 

“Everyone’s seen what they’re up to,” Howard chuckled, indicating a well-lit corner of the room. “Guess they decided it’s good for Rob’s concentration before a show.” Gary almost looked, but hearing the second half of what Howard was saying, thought better of it. They turned and saw Jason and Don deep in conversation about the technicalities of the dance sequence in a play Jason had seen the previous week. Howard took the opportunity to pull Gary aside.

 

“You alright Gaz?” he asked. Gary nodded.

 

“Listen, I’ve got a bit of a favour to ask… tonight I’ve got a little surprise planned for Jay…”

 

As Howard explained his plan to Gary, Gary started to grin. Jason was certainly not going to expect what Howard was planning. Chances were good he wouldn’t suspect a thing. At that moment, Mark and Robbie came over to see them, grins wide. Howard raised his eyebrows at them and winked. Robbie smirked, pleased with himself. Mark giggled. Howard then stuck to the regular ritual they’d started, pulling out the bag and selecting props. Jason was evidently in _that_ sort of mood, selecting a studded collar and matching wrist cuffs. The others selected their items, and Kim handed them their microphones.

 

“Good luck,” Don whispered, planting a kiss on Gary’s cheek.  Gary smiled quickly at him before he was whisked up onto the stage, devil headband digging into his head. Once again, he was soon lost in his music, oblivious to his surroundings, submerged in the sounds of pure bliss. When they got to the end of the second-last song, Gary snapped out of his little bubble for a moment as he remembered the conversation he’d held with Howard before the show started. He bit his lip nervously. He was sure Howard was doing the right thing, but he still felt nervous about it. The final bars played, and Gary held his breath and waited.

 

Robbie and Mark led the thank-yous that evening. Jason told the audience what a privilege it had been to play for them once again. Howard stepped forward, and Jason grinned at him. Howard pulled Jason into a tight embrace before grabbing him by the hand and pulling him to the front of the stage.

 

“This,” Howard started, “Is my partner, Jason. Everyone give a big cheer for him!” Howard kissed Jason on the cheek as the crowd roared. “Now, usually at this point in the show, I’m meant to introduce the final song we’ll be performing for you tonight…” Jason looked at Howard, puzzled. “…but first, I’d like to take a moment to ask the most important person in my life something. Is that ok?”

 

The crowd roared their approval once more, as Howard turned to face Jason, who was growing pale against the black pvc of his collar. Howard stroked Jason’s cheek softly, and waited for the roar of the crowd to die down.

 

“From the moment we met at dance college, I knew we had something special. The past few years have been so much better because you’ve been a part of it.” Howard paused, and Jason clapped his hands over his mouth, wondering if the words pouring from his lover’s mouth were real. “Jason, would you do me the honour of becoming officially coupled to me?”

 

Jason nodded, leaping into Howard’s waiting arms. As the tears poured down Jason’s cheeks, Howard yelled into his microphone “HE SAID YES!!” The crowd roared their support.

 

Later that evening Gary found himself sipping a glass of wine at Howard’s apartment. Somehow, Howard had miraculously managed to plan a coupling announcement party and invited all of his and Jason’s friends. He grinned to himself as he watched his best friend glowing with delight as he spoke to person after person from his past, there to celebrate his love with Howard. Don had hardly left his side since they arrived.

 

“So, they met in dance college?” Don asked Gary.

 

Gary nodded. He could remember their graduation so clearly. Jason had been with a couple of different boys before the ceremony even commenced, and Gary was becoming increasingly concerned about Jason’s lack of commitment yet shameless affection for anyone who came near him. But after they officially graduated, Jason and Gary went out rowing. Gary sighed with relief; at least Jason wasn’t going to sleep with half their year level while they were on a boat. Gary couldn’t really understand Jason’s viewpoint; he had a difficult enough time making himself hard, and the thought of anyone else stopped that in its tracks immediately. Looking at each other briefly as they stepped into the boat, they could both see in the other’s eyes a concern for their friend.

 

They didn’t go fishing that day; instead opting to row to a small inlet not far from school, but isolated enough that they wouldn’t be interrupted. They made sure the boat was secure and walked a short way along the shore before sitting down in the sandy banks. Gary sighed. Jason sighed too.

 

“Seems like the end, doesn’t it?” Jason broke the silence. Gary nodded. He looked into Jason’s eyes and saw that it was hurting him to be parted from Gary. In that instant, he realised why Jason hadn’t found another relationship yet. Gary looked at him sadly, his eyes apologising once again. Jason shrugged. Words were not needed; they’d said it all before anyway. Gary knew he needed to look out for himself. He knew Jason still wondered if he was just lost and confused. He wondered it sometimes himself. He could see Jason knew he was only hurting himself by sleeping with anybody, but he saw it as a coping mechanism in an attempt to fill the hole in his heart. They both knew this wasn’t goodbye, but the thought of not being able to be there for each other all time seemed frightening.

 

When they went off to their respective colleges they kept contact at least several times a week. Almost immediately, things seemed to be easier for them. Gary couldn’t help but wonder if the forced distance between them was helping Jason. The respect people had in college for him as a musician was certainly making Gary’s life a little easier; dates were offered without physical expectations too early on. In the second week of college, Jason started talking about how he’d met this guy called Howard who was a really good dancer. Gary smiled to himself at this. Bit by bit, Jason kept talking about Howard more and more as his conversations with Gary went down to once a week.

 

Gary was surprised when the holidays came and Jason and Howard were still together. He travelled to Jason’s college, and when he met Howard he clicked with him instantly. He was exactly what Jason needed. More than Howard just being a great bloke, a weight lifted from Gary’s shoulders to see Jason so happy. There was something in the way that they physically challenged each other in everything they did; whether it was dancing, or lifting something, or running, there was a friendly competitiveness between them that indicated friendship as well as partnership. That visit was when they also had their first discussion about forming a band with Gary. Howard talked about his friend Robbie who went to another music college. Returning to college himself, Gary’s resolve to improve himself as a musician was stronger, in the knowledge that he had plans for after his graduation that would allow him to continue working with his precious music.

 

It was a happy time for Gary. All day, nothing but music. The knowledge that his friend had moved on and found happiness with another. He sighed at the memory. His thoughts were interrupted by a large cheer; turning to the source he saw Howard and Jason making out, and joined in the cheering. The happy couple broke the kiss and turned to grin at the company surrounding them.

 

As the evening wore on, Gary grew tired and he made to leave. Don said he was tired too, and they both went to congratulate Howard and Jason once again before heading out the door. They walked down the cool night streets and Don shivered. Gary rubbed his hands together; the nights were certainly getting cooler. As they stopped outside Gary’s dwelling, Gary invited Don in for a quick coffee, which Don gratefully accepted. Don volunteered to make the coffee while Gary started the fire. Gary pulled out a blanket from behind the sofa, enveloping himself in it.

 

Don walked into the room, sitting close to Gary on the sofa. He sighed. Gary looked up, concerned. Don set the two cups down on the table.

 

“Listen, Gary, there’s something I’ve got to tell you…”

 

Gary closed his eyes for a second, breathing in through his nose. “Don, before you do, there’s something you should know about me.”

 

Don looked puzzled.

 

“I- I’m not attracted to other men. At all. In the slightest. I mean, fuck, I could have had Jason if I wanted him, but I ran away disgusted. Psychiatrists kept trying to assimilate me, but I- I guess I’m not like other people. I go through the motions; I take people out on dates, share the occasional public kiss… but… it kills me a little bit inside every time because it feels so _wrong_. And seeing how right it feels for everyone else, I guess it means there is something wrong with me… I just can’t feel attracted enough to anyone to make it worth their while. I’ve never slept with any of the people who claim we have; I just… can’t. I’ve tried, I really have… all I really want is my music, because that’s all I have, all I am. I don’t fit in but music is the one thing I’ve got... my escape. I’m too different and I really don’t want to hurt you so I thought I’d better be honest with you now, rather than things getting really out of hand… I just… other men… I can’t…”

 

Gary’s words came out in a rush, his voice betraying his guilt towards Don, someone who he’d hoped would remain a close friend, but that dream seeming further and further away. The expression on Don’s face was unreadable. Gary waited for the other man to get up and leave, but Don instead shuffled closer to Gary, and sighed.

 

“You know, Gary, that’s not exactly what I was planning to tell you.” Don’s eyes were bright. “Thank you _so_ much for being so honest… but… I guess, now it’s my turn to be honest with you.”

 

Gary looked wildly at Don. Was he from the authorities? Gary braced himself.

 

“You see Gary, I’m different too. I’ve lied to you all. I- I’m not Don. My name is… Dawn.”

 

Dawn? Like a sunrise? Such an unusual name, but Gary couldn’t fathom why he’d been lied to. What difference did a name make?

 

Don, or Dawn, reached down to remove the uniform robe that was consistently worn by all B-Blockers. Gary realised, not for the first time, that Dawn had not once removed his robe that he was aware of. Gary’s eyes grew wide as Dawn’s robe fell to the floor.

 

“I’m… not a man at all. I’m the escaped A-Blocker.”

 

Gary scarcely noticed the words, scarcely registered the gravity and impact of what Dawn was telling him. Gary was too preoccupied absorbing every detail of Dawn’s body; every curve, every inch of skin, every similarity, every difference. As his blanket was pushed aside, Gary felt an overwhelming surge inside him, an awakening; something unfamiliar but certainly not unpleasant. He felt his cheeks flush as he moved towards Dawn. _Dawn._ Such an appropriate name for the one who was helping him see the light after a lifetime of darkness.

 

Gary looked down at himself. So this was what Jason talked about. _This._ Effortless desire; something that felt natural and instinctive. Gary didn’t stop to think as he closed the gap between them as he enveloped Dawn’s lips in a passionate kiss.

 

 

**Chapter Eight**

 

When Gary woke the next morning, he was surprised at the sense of contentment he felt. His arm must have gone to sleep. Not opening his eyes yet – it was far too early for that – Gary tried to move it, and was startled awake when the weight resting on his arm shifted. His eyes now wide open, he looked down to see a tuft of blonde hair wriggling in his embrace. His heart started beating faster and a sinking feeling hit his stomach as he slowly began to remember the events of the previous evening.

 

“Good morning,” Dawn said sleepily, turning to look up at Gary. A huge grin lit up her face, but it soon fell as she turned to look at Gary, who was burying his face in his hands. She sat up beside him, her light weight leaning on Gary as she rested her head on his shoulder. Her body, so delicate, so soft, as her hands reached across Gary’s back to comfort him. Gary sighed deeply.

 

“What are we going to do?” His voice was husky, cracked, barely above a whisper. His whole world had transformed that evening, and the touch of Dawn was reassuring him that this was the one thing he wanted most; the thing he’d been missing all his life. But from all the talking they’d done last night, Gary knew just how complicated it was going to be. But despite all that, his question was about _we_ ; there was no life for him without _her_ now.

 

As they were both lying awake the previous evening, Dawn had begun to talk. Talk of a world not unlike Gary’s own, where she was with A-Blockers and not even aware of the existence of B-Blockers. How she’d felt differently too. As Dawn gave examples, little details, anecdotes, it was almost like she was telling Gary’s life story... but different. From the other side. Tears welled in his eyes as he heard Dawn speak of how she’d been shamed by others, how she felt so low that she didn’t feel there was any point to life. How the only way she’d been able to keep going was because of her dancing.

 

How there’d been a light when her friend Heather went for fertility duty, and met Nathan. How Heather slowly told her about B-Blockers; reluctantly at first, but revealing more and more as time went by. Dawn spoke gently of learning about Heather growing a person inside her; watching her body change and feeling the envy inside herself growing as much as the infant was. Dawn spoke of eventually admitting to her friend how she felt, and how they’d started working on a plan to get her over to the other side.

 

Listening, Gary was biting his lip, wondering how on earth Dawn and Jason had such different ideas about the same events. How _he_ and Jason had such different ideas. But then, Jason belonged where they were; he and Dawn didn’t. The last piece of information Dawn gave him both gave him hope and terrified him; she’d chosen to come to the B-blocks because a rumour had formed that there was a society beyond the furthest borders of the B-blocks where people lived together, made and raised their own infants and where they weren’t judged or persecuted for doing so.

 

So as Gary was asking what they were going to do the following morning, it was less _what_ and more _how._ In the back of his mind, he knew wherever Dawn went he would follow.  And the promise of somewhere where they’d be not only accepted, but _welcomed_ for their differences... Gary understood the risks of trying to escape the far borders of B-Block. He understood how closely he was being monitored, even now. More than anything, he thought, as his mouth formed a hard line, he knew how hard the authorities must be searching to uncover Dawn, and he knew that if she was found there wouldn’t even be the remotest hope of finding her again. But the touch of Dawn’s body, so close to his own, showing such support for _him_ made it all worth the risk.

 

Dawn wasn’t taking any of Gary’s faltering and worries on board though. When Gary heard she’d been sleeping on the bench at the park, he immediately offered his dwelling to her to stay in. Dawn was reluctant at first, explaining that having someone living in his dwelling – someone who never removed their robe no less – would make most people suspicious. Any changes in behaviour would be noted, and give them unnecessary attention. Eventually she relented when Gary said he’d let her in at different times of day or night, and she could hide away when visitors came to his dwelling. She then launched into the finer workings of her plan; how she and Gary would tell anyone who asked that they were going on a fishing expedition, and they’d be camping.

 

Gary looked puzzled by this. Dawn had to prompt him gently.

 

“Gary, how far away is this other land, if it exists? We might be living on the run for a long time. We’ll need proper supplies. The longer we can avoid detection, the better. The river is south of here, while the border we’re heading for is through the woods to the east.”

 

Together they made a list of the things they’d need to take with them. Gary sighed as he realised that he’d have to leave his beloved piano behind. Dawn couldn’t help but laugh at that, imagining Gary strapping the giant thing to his back and trying to run away without anyone noticing. Dawn appointed herself in charge of arranging supplies, saying Gary had a far more important job to avoid detection.

 

And so it was that Gary found himself in the company of Jason and Howard for the majority of the week, helping plan and organise a coupling ceremony. Mark and Robbie ducked in and out frequently as well, and the energy surrounding the ceremony reminded Gary of when the band first got together. Gary found he had to excuse himself occasionally, stricken with the thought of leaving his friends behind. He decided early in the week that he couldn’t possibly spoil Howard and Jason’s happiness and positive energy by breaking the news to him, so he carried the burden as best he could while savouring every moment he got to spend with them.

 

Every night he would return to his dwelling to find some other piece of their plan that Dawn had put in place. A box of supplies here, a piece of information there, a decoy or two. Sometimes she was there, sometimes she’d have left him instructions on when she would return. Occasionally she’d leave a list of instructions for specific things he needed to do, to collect or to check. There was a constant energy around everywhere Gary went, and he wasn’t quite sure if it was the excitement of the events going on around him, or his own excitement over his relationship he was developing with Dawn and all that it entailed.

 

All too quickly, the morning of Howard and Jason’s coupling ceremony arrived. Gary woke that morning with a start; the sun shining brightly in his window as he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, his heart beating far too quickly. _How could they really get away with this? Did he really want to leave everyone he knew and loved behind?_ Looking beside him, Dawn had already left. His dwelling was silent; empty. Gary realised with a start how quickly he’d come to rely on her for reassurance. Forcing himself to breathe slowly and deeply, Gary got out of bed, threw on his robe and walked to Jason’s dwelling.

 

When he arrived, he found Jason in a non-characteristic flap. Gary couldn’t help but grin. He knew all too well what a perfectionist Jason was, and he spent the first ten minutes of his arrival calming Jason down and making sure he had some breakfast. Jason was a ball of nervous energy, and Gary just shook his head affectionately. At least he was leaving Jason in Howard’s capable hands; Gary suspected Howard knew Jason even better than he did these days.

 

As Jason turned to close the door to his dwelling, his eyes locked with Gary’s, and Gary felt that stomach-sinking, heart-racing feeling return once more. Gary wasn’t sure whether the sadness in Jason’s eyes was because this was the start of a new chapter, or because he suspected what was going on in Gary’s own life. Jason let the door go and embraced Gary, his arms tightly around him.

 

“You know I love you, right?” Jason’s voice sounded choked as he whispered softly in Gary’s ear, as though he was holding back tears.

 

“Love you too, Jay,” Gary replied, surprised to realise that tears were streaming down his face. He cleared his throat awkwardly and hastily brushed them away. Arm in arm, they headed for the council building where the ceremony was to be held. Gary clutched at the parcel he was concealing under his robe, hoping Jason wouldn’t notice yet. They walked together in silence, there being no need for words at that point.

 

Gary hoped Mark and Robbie had succeeded in getting Howard to the venue on time. He knew very well that Jason would begin to panic if Howard wasn’t already there waiting for them. He was relieved to see three robed figures waiting outside the council block, and waved heartily at them. He felt Jason tense beside him, and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Jason smiled at him gratefully, and together they approached their three friends.

 

Gary sat in the waiting room with Robbie and Mark while Howard and Jason went through to start the organising. The other three would be called forward to witness the actual ceremony shortly. Mark was showing the other two some lyrics he was working on for a new song, and Gary felt pained in the knowledge he wouldn’t be around to see the song completed, to watch his friend shine. Robbie’s eyes were bright with excitement, both over the song and the ceremony. Before Gary had time to become nostalgic, they were summoned forward and the ceremony began.

 

It all seemed to pass in a blur before Gary’s eyes; Howard and Jason so obviously in love with each other, the council official dictating how the coupling was right and proper and how the two would officially be joined by love. Gary saw the tears behind Jason’s eyes, and he felt his own tears welling up too. He was so immensely proud to see Jason find happiness, and there wasn’t a single form he’d signed in his life as important as the coupling declaration he signed as a witness.

 

Once the documents were signed and the official statements produced, Howard grinned.

 

“Right, time for the celebration!” He picked Jason up and kissed him spectacularly, to the whoops and cheers of Robbie, Mark and Gary, and the slightly disapproving gaze of the council official.

 

They all ran out of the council office giggling like a bunch of schoolchildren, then began the journey back to Howard’s dwelling, where the celebration was to take place.

 

Dawn inched close to Gary the second he came into the room, and he sighed with relief. Everything was ready then. He made a conscious effort to refer to her as Don in front of everyone else, despite the fact she’d been Dawn to him every night for the past week. Had it really only been a week? It felt like an eternity, like he’d been reborn once he met her.

 

Howard commenced the speeches, making anecdotes and amusing jokes that had the whole dwelling in an uproar. When Jason’s turn came to make a speech, Gary smiled softly, knowing that Jason was likely to spend a long time talking. Gary held on to every word from Jason’s mouth; heartfelt, beautiful, almost poetic. He knew once Jason was finished, the celebration could commence and the formalities put aside. Part of him still wasn’t sure if he was ready for what the future was bringing, but he was pleased to see at least his friends were going to be perfectly happy. He thought of the lengthy note he’d put into the parcel that was still concealed under his robe, knowing full well Jason would read every word.

 

Once the festivities began, Gary slipped away and hid the parcel inside Jason’s little knapsack he was taking on his honeymoon. A small package, square and flat, wrapped neatly but simply in brown paper. Only this time, he wouldn’t be there to explain. He’d felt like Jason himself writing such a long letter, but how can you say goodbye to the only person you’ve known all your life in just a few words? The tears streamed down his face and he turned to leave the room, only to find Dawn blocking the way.

 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked timidly.

 

Gary simply nodded, the tears still falling freely as he embraced his lover. He knew this was foolish; she’d already given up all that she’d known. Now it was his turn.

 

They stayed to watch Howard and Jason’s first dance as an official couple, and in true fashion, it was an entertainment spectacle as much as a celebration of themselves. So perfectly synced with each other, they moved, ducked, dodged, flipped, and did things Gary didn’t even know were possible for the human body. Mark and Robbie were off in a corner, enjoying their own form of dance.

 

Gary left with that image in his mind, of his friends as they would be. He knew he couldn’t walk out of their lives without impact, but at least he knew they’d be okay. Dawn grabbed his hand and they slipped quietly from the dwelling unnoticed.

 

Hastily they moved back to Gary’s dwelling, pulling on the backpacks Dawn had been preparing for them all week. The decoys were all in place, and they were now holding onto the hope that nobody would suspect a thing for at least a fortnight, at which point they would be far from the B-Blocks.

 

Gary took Dawn’s hand, and together they moved off into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> What started for me as a tiny spark of an idea not long after I finished my very first TT fic on Take That Slash has grown into something much bigger, and definitely couldn't have happened without the ongoing support of the slash community. I took this up as a big bang challenge to force myself to finally write this idea that to be quite honest, terrified me. Now it's looking to be the first in a trilogy of stories set in this world... look out next year, you might just learn more about the world in which they live...


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